A Polished Turd: The Happening

Posted: May 16, 2012 in A Polished Turd, Movies
Tags: , ,

Movies so bad they’re just too damn good

The Happening

I used to actually look forward to M. Night Shyamalan movies.  About the time Lady in the Water came out, I realized that what had once been anticipation had steadily turned into dread.  Fear even.  I had such little faith in the once promising writer/director/star/Hitchcock-wannabe that I completely skipped on seeing his follow-up in the theater. 

That was a mistake.  I could have shared a darkened room with literally tens of eager fans who, completely unaware of the wretched pile that Night would birth but a few years later [Editor’s Note:  I still haven’t seen The Last Airbender.  Never will.  It’s so bad I don’t even need to see it.  I’ve learned of it awfulness by osmosis], might have thought they were seeing the nadir of his career output.  But, they would have been wrong.  They weren’t just seeing a bad movie.  They were just seeing a bad movie in the wrong venue with the wrong people.

The Happening, make no mistake, is a terrible film.  But it is wonderful in its terribleness.  It glorifies in its ineptitude.  It lets its suck flag fly proudly.  It is the best bad film of the millennium.  Mark Wahlberg portrays a high school science teacher who is somehow less intelligent than Dirk Diggler.  Zooey Deschanel’s plentiful charms are wasted as his wife.  John Leguizamo has nothing to do as his best friend.  Plants are causing people to kill themselves and nobody knows what to do.  Instead, they share empty platitudes fed to them by one of the worst scripts ever written.

Cheese and Crackers.  Be scientific, douchebag.

Ummmmmmmmmmmm.  Hmmmmmm.  What?

Pure gold, people.  Pure gold.

Here’s how you enjoy this movie.  Grab a bunch of your friends.  Grab a case of beer.  Leave your brain and all vegetation at the door.  Fasten your seatbelt.  Enjoy the ride.

Thank me later.

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